Do you see the tears running down my face?
Do you know what tears are?
Do you know the amount of emotion that hides behind all of this?
Do you even care?

...

People make me laugh with the things they say and do.

...Heh.

Life is definitely unfair.
My efforts are invisible.

Are the cons starting to outweigh the pros?...

ish.

I haven't written in a blog since my xanga days, and I can't decide whether I even miss those days or not. I miss simplicity but also appreciate maturity so I suppose I can't have the best of both worlds. It's nice to be able to ramble again. As pathetic as this is going to sound, eversince Boys Over Flowers ended, I've been feeling a lot more apathetic. Maybe it's the idea that a fairy tale story like that can never exist in life, nor will a boy that perfect ever exist, but "life isn't fair". It's pretty sad that a Korean drama has me feeling like this but whatever I can't help myself. I can't seem to find myself caring for things such as school unless it's the day of the midterm or something and THAT is horrible. I wish I can say what has got me acting this way, and no it's not truly the drama that has me in this form...it's just a mixture of thoughts that I can't even explain in here which shows how truly mixed up I feel. Lately I feel like there are a lot of "wants" in my life. I strive for things that can't be done or I strive for things that I can't get. I listen to music all the time hoping the music can somewhat relate to how I'm feeling and it can somehow understand me, as lame as that sounds. Music is ultimately my best friend. I guess a main part of me being like this is the fact that I miss home...a lot. Last year I never had this problem of missing home, I never wanted to go home, but for some reason I grew attached to my parents even more this past summer and I can't even go a few days without talking to them. Like I said the maturity factor is nice, but I seem to be lacking it at times. Maybe it's the comfort that my parents provide me. The care, love, and comfort that I always used to receive but now I'm expected to do all of it on my own. Maybe I'm actually terrified of the real world and what's ahead of me in the future. I honestly can say I'm not ready to grow up yet and become fully independent. Yeah some of my friends, including Michael are already independent and have been for quite some time, but I grew up a different way. I grew up with at least one of my parents backing me up 24/7 and now I'm still pathetically trying to get used to it as a sophomore in college. I miss my friends from home too. People here don't really know me the way people at home do. The only person I can truly be myself around is Michael which is probably why I spend almost every waking moment with him. People meet other people in college and meet their future best friends here, but how come I haven't yet. It's by chance that I got unfortunate with my roommates last year but I'm not going to sit here and complain all day. It's life, and where I am right now is because of me. I really need to stop comparing myself to other people here and seriously get a life where I don't have to sit and care all day about other people. I should do what I want to do and think what I want to think and finally live the life I want to live. Yeah, I'm going to try that. Maybe tomorrow. Goodnight.